That little smile

Everytime I feel (or hear, I can't always feel it) my stomache growl I can't help but try to hide that little smile I get because I know I'm empty, truly empty. When I can't sleep because my hunger is so stronge I can't ignore it, I can't help but think that it's good because at least I'm empty. I'll lose more. I know it sounds sick, and strange, but its one of the only things I can smile about that comes from this.

Something else is when my bra size goes down. I've always been so insecure about my breast size. I was a 36D, then 36C, now I'm 34D. I was smiling so wide when I went down a band size. I love needing smaller clothes. I used to be a large, now I'm a small. What always is in the back of my mind is it only inspires me to lose more. Not be happy with what I've lost.

The Flu

I havn't been on in forever. This would be because I have the flu. IT SUCKS! I had time to go on Pretty Thin a little a few days ago but I've been feveresh and asleep and in a "Niquil Fog" as my stepdad calls it. Now I feel as though I'm better. I'm terrified to go back to school  because of the makeup work. I looked at my grades, and I have two 40s! I'm going to get that back up ASAP.

Also because I've been sick I've been eating more then normal. My normal limit is 0-600 calorie limit except weekends which is a large 900. 900 is scary because it's so close to 1000. I'm terrified of a 1000. I;ve been eating around 900. I know that's why it's taken so long to get better though, because I havn't been eating an extra large amount that people call "enough".

I'm excited for next week though because on Valentine's Day I'm going to see a play with my boyfriend. I get to hug him and poke him and kiss him. I miss him so much right now. Normally I hate Valentine's day but this year I'm not lonely and eating icecream. This year I have a boyfriend whom I can go out with.

Tomorrow I'm going shopping and I'm going to get a dress that's red because red is his favorite color.

Sick

I have this awful cold, and I feel like I'm dying! I'm not though. I try to eat 900 calories when I'm sick, and I hate it. I also try not to purge when I'm sick, which just makes me hate myself when I do purge. I purged today though, and the past few days that i've been sick. This is my week with deit pills and purging and exercise (which is walking around at school or jumping jacks):

*= purged
<3= workout
0= deit pill

Monday- 0 0 <3
Tuesday- <3
Wednesday- <3 0 0
Thursday- 0 <3 *
Friday- 0 * (sick)
Saturday- * <3 0
Sunday- (so far) *

I'm so mad at myself right now, I purged more when I was sick than when I wasn't. What the hell is wrong with me? I was doing a good job with calories too until I got sick. I'm fasting the day after I get better.

Talking

The moment your Mom asks you last time you purged can make you want to scream and hide under a rock in a hole deep under the earths surface. If you know someone with an eating disorder and you want to talk to them, sit them down and say you need to talk.

Don't just randomly ask about it.

I've been reading this book thats really helpful called 100 Question & Answers About Anorexia Nervosa by: Sari Fine Shepphird, PhD. In the book it talks about symptoms and stuff, but in the section for people who have a loved one with an eating they say that when they yell and scream and go off about things that normally people wouldn't go off about, it's their eating disorder talking, not them.

So if you sit down with your kid, or loved one, and talk, and they aren't willing to open up, that's okay. It's 100% normal. Since I've been reading this book I've been able to look back and go "So that was my eating disorder, not me, and that was me, not my eating disorder."

I'm still trying to figure out if I'm mentally ready to go into recovery yet. I know that I'll have to look back at everything that caused this and I'll have to look at my eating and not see my weight, and not know what is going on with my calories. That terrifies me. I will lose all control in my life.

My little bit I have left is the fact that I can not eat enough and not gain enough that I lose weight and make the scale change.

But if this is the case...why do I find myself crying myself to sleep because I'm too terrified to get on the scale, but I'm too terrified to get to a normal place. If I get better will I be able to be skinny? Or have that hope that once I'm at a certain weight I'll be happy? What if I get better and I have to gain and I never get to get to that weight and I always live on hating myself?

Hunger

The feeling of hunger comes in two ways for me.

The Bulimc Hunger, where when you feel the growl you eat and eat and eat or you crave food, chocolate.

Then the Anorexic Hunger, where you feel your stomache growl and you think how it hurts, how uncomfertable you are, but you still smile at the end of the day, why? Because you did a good job at staying in your calorie limits. At least that's my feeling of Hunger and how I take it. I've learned to ignore my hunger and growls, but I can't if it's Mia calling.

That's my perception.

Well Today's a New Day, and a New Year

So New Years was fun last night, I spent it it with my Mom and my step-dad.

So what are some New Years Resolutions? Mine was to tell my Mom about both my eating disorders before the year was out. Did ya'll have fun last night with family? Or did you go out to a party?

HAPPY NEW YEARS!!!

PrettyThin

PrettyThin (prettythin.com) Is a site who excepts you no matter who you are. IT'S NOT A DEIT SITE! PrettyThin is a community of people who have eating disorders or have recovered and we become close friends and we help eachother out. We make sure we don't purge and help eahc other eat more. This place has kept me from so many things that would have hurt me. This is PrettyThin :D.