Talking

The moment your Mom asks you last time you purged can make you want to scream and hide under a rock in a hole deep under the earths surface. If you know someone with an eating disorder and you want to talk to them, sit them down and say you need to talk.

Don't just randomly ask about it.

I've been reading this book thats really helpful called 100 Question & Answers About Anorexia Nervosa by: Sari Fine Shepphird, PhD. In the book it talks about symptoms and stuff, but in the section for people who have a loved one with an eating they say that when they yell and scream and go off about things that normally people wouldn't go off about, it's their eating disorder talking, not them.

So if you sit down with your kid, or loved one, and talk, and they aren't willing to open up, that's okay. It's 100% normal. Since I've been reading this book I've been able to look back and go "So that was my eating disorder, not me, and that was me, not my eating disorder."

I'm still trying to figure out if I'm mentally ready to go into recovery yet. I know that I'll have to look back at everything that caused this and I'll have to look at my eating and not see my weight, and not know what is going on with my calories. That terrifies me. I will lose all control in my life.

My little bit I have left is the fact that I can not eat enough and not gain enough that I lose weight and make the scale change.

But if this is the case...why do I find myself crying myself to sleep because I'm too terrified to get on the scale, but I'm too terrified to get to a normal place. If I get better will I be able to be skinny? Or have that hope that once I'm at a certain weight I'll be happy? What if I get better and I have to gain and I never get to get to that weight and I always live on hating myself?